Ch 27: Godric Reflects on Suicide

A/N: So I have to work tomorrow and teach 110 students. So yea, can’t sleep and was tweaking Ch 27. All the sudden this came out during Godric’s part and I really felt like it deserved it’s own stand alone chapter/thing despite it’s shortness. You will still get a chapter next Wednesday. This is a bit of a reflection from Godric about him wanting to end his life. And from someone who has suffered severe depression and grief from a loss and betrayal and a shattered life to someone who picked the pieces up and owned it, who healed her heart, put herself through school as a single mom and found that you create your own happiness and no one can do that for you. This is what I have to say through Godric. I apologize for any errors. It is unbeta read and raw from my heart! I dangled from the ceiling in my sad lonely cell waiting for what would happen next. Then my mind flowed to thoughts of a more serious nature. I have spent my entire existence seeking the truth, the absolute truth to the reason, the meaning, the undeniable purpose of why. I have tried to use logic to understand the chaos. I have tried to justify the wickedness with the rationale of survival. After 2000 years of seeking the answers I had finally found self actualization, the unequated wisdom that can only be obtained with centuries of time and patience. Upon finding the resolution to my questions about sentient life, I found a great and miserable paradox, for I found that there is no meaning. There is no order, or peace, or great answer that comes with enlightenment. There is only a lethargic hum that makes each and every one of us endure until the next waking dusk. Then we rise and replay our night in a sad echo. On and on and on it goes for all of eternity like a revolving door that we cannot escape. I found this realization to be quite tragic, and therefore, I consoled myself to end my diminutive existence and meet the sun with open arms. Nothing mattered. Everything I had done and not done. Everything I had lived and learned and loved. Everything I had lost and everything I had gained. It was not only about the bad I had done, or the ugly, or the flaws etched in my bones like an evil lavished upon the Earth. It was always about finding the answer I sought for so long, only to learn the ugly truth, the paradox, the great irony that nothing mattered, that I am but a grain of sand in an infinite field of space and time. My actions, my crimes, my deplorable behavior that had plagued me for a thousand years did not even matter to the cosmos. But like a flicker of light in a vast ocean of blackness something was awakened deep inside me. That light made me realize the beautiful truth that eluded me even in my infinitesimal knowledge and wisdom. The indisputable axiom that confounded me even when I had reached the epitome of heightened understanding. The truth was so simple it nearly made me weep with ironic laughter. It was both transparent and vague, both uncomplicated and perplexing. The truth was it did not matter that nothing mattered. The truth was that you have one life to live, one existence to carry on. The truth was that we create our own reality. We create our own happiness. We create our own legacy. It does not matter what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow. What matters is what is happening this very moment. What matters is what is in your heart when you open your eyes and look upon the world. And if in your heart you find you are lacking, it is you who must fill it with what it needs. No one can do that for you. No one can create your happiness for you. If you are tragically depressed, numb, or fed up with your world it is your responsibility to change your life into something that fills your heart to the brim. And I filled mine until it overflowed. I filled it with Sookie. I filled it with Eric. I filled it with the prospect of going to another world and making a new and better society. And it does not matter what you fill your heart with but it is your responsibility to fill it. You are never too young or too old, too inferior or too superior, too scarred from tragedy or to green behind the ears. You need only one truth, and that truth is to own it because it is your life. Did any of this matter to the universe? Did any of it answer the meaning of life? No. But it mattered to me and it mattered to my life and that was the true logic to the chaos. So I have owned it!