Ch 27: Godric Reflects on Suicide

A/N: So I have to work tomorrow and teach 110 students. So yea, can’t sleep and was tweaking Ch 27. All the sudden this came out during Godric’s part and I really felt like it deserved it’s own stand alone chapter/thing despite it’s shortness. You will still get a chapter next Wednesday. This is a bit of a reflection from Godric about him wanting to end his life. And from someone who has suffered severe depression and grief from a loss and betrayal and a shattered life to someone who picked the pieces up and owned it, who healed her heart, put herself through school as a single mom and found that you create your own happiness and no one can do that for you. This is what I have to say through Godric. I apologize for any errors. It is unbeta read and raw from my heart!pagebreaktransparent

I dangled from the ceiling in my sad lonely cell waiting for what would happen next.

Then my mind flowed to thoughts of a more serious nature. I have spent my entire existence seeking the truth, the absolute truth to the reason, the meaning, the undeniable purpose of why. I have tried to use logic to understand the chaos. I have tried to justify the wickedness with the rationale of survival.

After 2000 years of seeking the answers I had finally found self actualization, the unequated wisdom that can only be obtained with centuries of time and patience. Upon finding the resolution to my questions about sentient life, I found a great and miserable paradox, for I found that there is no meaning. There is no order, or peace, or great answer that comes with enlightenment. There is only a lethargic hum that makes each and every one of us endure until the next waking dusk. Then we rise and replay our night in a sad echo. On and on and on it goes for all of eternity like a revolving door that we cannot escape.

I found this realization to be quite tragic, and therefore, I consoled myself to end my diminutive existence and meet the sun with open arms. Nothing mattered. Everything I had done and not done. Everything I had lived and learned and loved. Everything I had lost and everything I had gained. It was not only about the bad I had done, or the ugly, or the flaws etched in my bones like an evil lavished upon the Earth.

It was always about finding the answer I sought for so long, only to learn the ugly truth, the paradox, the great irony that nothing mattered, that I am but a grain of sand in an infinite field of space and time. My actions, my crimes, my deplorable behavior that had plagued me for a thousand years did not even matter to the cosmos.

But like a flicker of light in a vast ocean of blackness something was awakened deep inside me. That light made me realize the beautiful truth that eluded me even in my infinitesimal knowledge and wisdom. The indisputable axiom that confounded me even when I had reached the epitome of heightened understanding.

The truth was so simple it nearly made me weep with ironic laughter. It was both transparent and vague, both uncomplicated and perplexing.

The truth was it did not matter that nothing mattered. The truth was that you have one life to live, one existence to carry on. The truth was that we create our own reality. We create our own happiness. We create our own legacy. It does not matter what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow. What matters is what is happening this very moment. What matters is what is in your heart when you open your eyes and look upon the world. And if in your heart you find you are lacking, it is you who must fill it with what it needs.

No one can do that for you. No one can create your happiness for you. If you are tragically depressed, numb, or fed up with your world it is your responsibility to change your life into something that fills your heart to the brim. And I filled mine until it overflowed. I filled it with Sookie. I filled it with Eric. I filled it with the prospect of going to another world and making a new and better society. And it does not matter what you fill your heart with but it is your responsibility to fill it. You are never too young or too old, too inferior or too superior, too scarred from tragedy or to green behind the ears. You need only one truth, and that truth is to own it because it is your life.

Did any of this matter to the universe? Did any of it answer the meaning of life? No. But it mattered to me and it mattered to my life and that was the true logic to the chaos. So I have owned it!

back                                 nexthome

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17 thoughts on “Ch 27: Godric Reflects on Suicide

  1. Sadness and, simultaneously, joy. Nobody is responsible that you exist or live. Only yourself. The difference between existence and life is to fill that existence with things that make you feel at ease with yourself, and only then, you have a life.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your personal experiences added a layer of reality to this chapter. Clinical depression can end in suicide. I lost my mother to it when I was 13, and my middle sister tried several times to kill herself as an adult. She finally overcame it with professional help. I remember talking with her about what she experienced (her son was 7 or 8 when this happened). And she told me that at the time she was in so much pain she couldn’t even think about the impact to him, all she knew was that she wanted the pain to stop.
    Being able to pull yourself out of this hole without help says a lot about your strength. This was a very thought provoking chapter.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Great message about how one handles all that is thrown at them in their life time…

    I struggled many years with my life but finally got a handle on it..Glad I did or I might not have been here to read these great stories..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. An intensely personal monologue and you hit on all the themes of my every so often depressive hubby. He goes on and on about the same themes. Loves going to church because he feels uplifted by the people surrounding him, but that feeling leaves almost immediately, because he’s like a ‘feelings vampire” sucking away at the experiences of other people without trying to find happiness on his own. and, until he understand that he truly is responsible for his own happiness, self worth and “meaning” then he’s bound to continually repeat this cycle….
    Great insight!
    Pat

    Liked by 2 people

  5. All I could think through that first part was “you matter,” and there it was. You do matter, and whether you know it or not, you make a difference in someone’s life every day.

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  6. I believe that your life touches so many others. You matter even in small ways. Your decision to stay or go in anything that you do will effect another whether you are aware of it or not. Example: I was planning on leaving fb in 2013 but someone I met by chance was instrumental in changing my mind. I wouldn’t have met people who have become family to me and are now a huge part of my life. So in my discovery all people matter even in small ways we touch another and maybe change their lives as well as our own. Thank you for sharing this aspect of your life with us.

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  7. you know I could throw out a Alan Watts quote but I can’t settle on which one. I kinda agree and disagree that nothing matters, because nothing can not exist when there is something. “you are the whole universe. and when it comes into being, you come into being”(found one of his quotes to use :)) I do agree that you are responsible for your own happiness. update soon.

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  8. Your AN was sincere and heartfelt, thank you for not only sharing your imagination but your heart as well. I’m glad you came thru the darkness that so many of us have been swallowed into. Keep loving yourself, your kid(s) & life. XoXo

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