Ch 26: Eat Shit Russell

Sookie “Mmmm,” I sighed happily. So soft, so cozy. I don’t want to open my eyes. My head sank into the downy pillow as I fought to stay asleep. What day is today? If it’s Saturday I need to get up and take a shower so I can get to work down at Starbucks. How can I not know what day it is? I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. Where am I? Oh yea… My groggy mind started to clear. I’m in the True Blood world, same place I’ve been for awhile now. Shit! I’m in the True Blood world! Since when did I become so casual about that fact? Yes, I’m in this fantastical world full of supernatural oddities, the world where I was nearly killed by Rene, where I’ve already murdered someone, Bill Compton, where the creator of the TV show back in my world tried to kidnap me, and where I have fallen madly deeply in love with the two most gorgeous vampires to ever exist, Godric and Eric, my eternal mates. I frowned. Godric and Eric, it’s just Eric now. Godric has been taken from me, ripped away from me, brutally killed in cold blood by Russell Edgington. And if I can’t learn to use my fae powers better, then Eric could be taken from me too. I don’t think my heart could take that. It was already shattered and barely clinging together as it was. Yes, I was barely hanging on. I missed Godric terribly. “Oh Godric,” I whispered at the ceiling. “Why did you have to be the hero? Why did you have to go alone to protect me and Eric? We are mates. We live together, or we die together. Together!! I wish you understood that.” I closed my eyes to blink the tears away. “I’m sorry, Godric. I don’t blame you. I just miss you.” I sighed heavily. I knew it was his nature. “I love you, Godric.” Vampires are so protective and possessive, and Godric took advantage of his elder standing in our relationship to make sure we stayed while he rode in on a white horse to try and save the day. I couldn’t fault him. I may have done the same in his situation. He just wanted us to be safe, wanted to protect us, and keep us from danger. He knew damn well that there was a good chance he could die. But he did it anyway, because he was willing to die so we could live. I would never, and I mean never, make the same mistake again. If there was ever a dangerous situation, I would be by Eric’s side, fighting along with him. I turned my head and looked at the sleeping Viking beside me. He looked so peaceful, removed from all the shit we had to deal with in the waking world. I smiled and reached up to put my hand on his face. I rolled over on my side and stared at him for the longest time while he slept. “How far we have come, you and I, Mr. Northman. From dropping cryptic notes in an abandoned shack on the side of a lonely highway, to blood-bonded mates who just spent the entire night making love until dawn.” I never thought I would end up here that first day when I fell into this world in the Bon Temps graveyard beside Gran’s house. I never thought I would be lying in this bed staring at Eric Northman while he slept, my heart so full of love, and yet, so broken at the same time. But here I was. With a broken heart, and yet I must trudge forward. I must go on, without Godric. I felt the steel walls close around my mind as my countenance grew determined and solid. I would fight. I would survive and make sure Eric survived with me. Edgington wasn’t going to stop at Godric. He would come after us, and when he did, I would be ready. I would smite his ass into outer space for what he did to my Godric! I got up and padded toward the bathroom. I had a lot to do today before my Viking rose. Yes, I had to do it before he rose, while it was still daylight outside. Today I would be calling Claudine to practice my skills and fine tune my powers. After showering and getting dressed, I found myself standing in the upstairs living room. A memory came to me. It was Godric sitting on the couch pretending he didn’t know I was there while he watched True Blood episodes. I came up behind him and put my hands over his eyes while he joked about who I was. Then he pulled me over the back of the couch and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world, told me I was his, kissed me, and held me. I nearly made him loose his control in a cloud of lust when I started to kiss him in a very intimate spot. I shook the memory away and walked over to the couch. “Claudine,” I said bitterly into the air. “I’m ready to continue my training.” I heard the pop in front of me before I saw her appear, and I flinched a little. “Sookie,” she said walking up to me. “What is wrong? Your face is swollen and red. Why have you been crying?” I looked down at the ground. “Godric,” I said unable to meet her eyes. If I looked at her I’d probably burst out in tears again. “He met the true death last night.” “Oh, Sookie,” she said, walking up to me and putting her arms around me. “I am so sorry, dear, so very sorry. That is grave news indeed.” “That’s not why I called you.” I said, looking at her and frowning. I didn’t want to talk about Godric anymore. I couldn’t. “I understand, however, how long dear has it been since you ate?” I blinked. “Um,” I said, trying to think. “I don’t have an appetite. I’m not hungry.” Food was the last thing on my mind. “I will assist you in your training once you have eaten a meal, dear. Not before.” Then Claudine popped away. I looked around dumbfounded. Did she just leave because I haven’t eaten? I ran my hand through my hair, unsure what to do. Another pop, and she was back holding a drink and a plate full of food. “Claudine, seriously, I’m not hungry.” I just lost a loved one. I don’t think I could stomach any food. “You must eat, dear. Please, sit.” I walked to the couch and sat down, retrieving the plate she held out to me. “What is it?” It did look delicious, and the aroma started to make my stomach growl. “Lamb steak cooked in red wine, snap peas with butter and crushed pepper, and corn muffins. The salad is pickled, red onion, with diced tomato and avocado, a bit of crushed cilantro and sea salt, on a bed of hot rice. I made the meal myself. Oh, yes, and the drink is freshly pressed apple cider.” “You made all this in the five seconds you were gone?” She nodded. “I really appreciate this, Claudine. Thank you.” I picked up the fork and took a bite of the salad. My taste buds nearly exploded with tangy flavor. “Wow, this is really good.” “Thank you, dear. Now tell me why your training session today is so urgent.” “I need to be ready.” I said swallowing the food in my mouth. “Are my powers strong enough to fight a 3500 year old vampire?” “It is hard to say. I sense your powers have been enhanced by something. Has there been a change of some sort?” “Well, I blood-bonded with Eric and… and Godric last night.” “Hmm, I have never heard of a fairy and vampire blood-bonding, but it could certainly be the cause of your heightened powers. As far as them being strengthened enough to deal with a 3500 year old vampire, I do not know.” “Are you strong enough to deal with a vampire that old?” “I do not know. I have never been in such a situation. I rarely use my powers for violence.” “I may not have a choice, and I want to be ready for anything. Today I would like to practice the uh… the smite light ball thing.” “Certainly, we can do that, dear. I am pleased to know that you are honing your fae powers. “How is Gran? I can’t believe I only saw her yesterday. It feels like ages ago.” “Your grandmother is well, dear. This morning I assisted her in pruning her rose bushes. Then she insisted I show her how to cook fae cuisine. After that, we sat upon the porch swing drinking peach tea and chatting as we watched the golden finches in the bird house.” “Wow, It sounds like you and her are really getting along.” “Yes, dear. Your grandmother is very interesting. However, in a few days I must return to my village in Fairie for an important matter. During this time, I will be disconnected from this world and not be available to assist you should you call me. I will not be able to sense your summons while in the fae realm. I am most sorry for this, dear child.” “How long will you be gone?” “Only about a week. Then I shall return.” “Wait. If you’re there for a week… Isn’t that like years in this world? Isn’t there some sort of time difference?” “Oh, yes, dear. It will be many years here. However, I have the ability to come and go in any time period here. Your past, present, or future. I can teleport back to this world a week after I left.” “Wait, if that’s true, why can’t you just come back one minute after you leave?” “Because, I will be in the other realm for a week. I cannot be in two places at once.” “Oh.” I was so confused. “But can’t you teleport to the past? I thought you just said several years will pass here in the week you are there?” “Exactly.” My eyes crossed. “I cannot exist in two places in the same time frame. If I already exist right here, in this spot right now, another one of me can’t come here. Since I will be in the fae realm during the period of a week, I cannot exist in that time frame anywhere else in the universe. Time is just an illusion that humans made up to try and understand the concept of linear movement. You think time is moving slower there, you think years are passing here, but it’s just matter moving slower there and faster here. The same space-time continuum exists everywhere, no matter how fast you are moving.” “Okay, Claudine. I’ll just take your word for it that you are unavailable for a week.” She just said a whole lot of words that meant whole lot of nothing. It made no sense, but then again, fairies never did make much sense. She nodded and smiled. I sat the plate on the coffee table. “Okay,” I said wiping my mouth. “If you’re ready to start, I am too.” “Very well. Today I thought I would not only show you how to smite, but perhaps I could show you how to better heal. Heal things such as curses from witches.” “Like what sort of curses?” I asked curiously, remembering the time TV Sookie blasted Eric and broke the mind control spell that the witch, Marnie from the Moon Goddess Emporium, had cursed him with. “Just about anything really concerning a witches curse. It is one of the most powerful uses for our fae abilities. Our power, after all, comes from light and pure good which is a healing magic. If more supernatural’s knew of the fae and knew we could do this, they would seek us out for our assistance on many matters.” “That is definitely something I want to know about.” “The only type of thing we cannot heal is if we are poisoned. Iron and lemons cause our power to become too weak, and we cannot use our light to do anything. “I forgot about lemons and iron. Of course I drank lemonade all the time growing up. But that was before I came here and um… merged with the other Sookie, the fairy half of me. I haven’t tried to drink it since then. I wonder if I’m allergic to it now.” “Most assuredly you are. The stronger your light becomes, the more allergic you will become to lemons and iron. Iron has the same effect on the fae as silver does on Vampires. And lemons affect us in the same way that chocolate affects Werewolves.” “Werewolves are allergic to chocolate?” “Oh yes, certainly. Their digestive systems can’t handle it. Have you ever tried to feed chocolate to a dog? And they cannot resist it either. They are drawn to chocolate as vampires are drawn to us.” I laughed. But then an idea struck me. If Werewolves were allergic to chocolate perhaps I could use that. It wouldn’t hurt to keep a few m & m’s in my pocket at all times. I could pelt them at any aggressive Werewolf that had the intention of doing me harm. I was in for a long few hours with Claudine, and I hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep. I stood and followed her into the other room, determined to beef up my abilities, because I knew I was going to need them. I’m pretty sure I’d probably be out like a light after we finished, and I would try to get a few more hours of sleep before Eric rose.     Godric I dangled from the ceiling still wrapped in silver, having awoken early from my daytime rest as I usually did. Alan Nut was gone, and I was alone. My mind wandered back to the night before… “What do you mean? You cannot be serious, witch!” Edgington demanded, looking at the mindless woman. “Yes,” she said in a far off voice. “The ritual requires that the one who initiates it ingests dog feces.” The corner of my mouth turned upward at this news. If Edgington wanted Angur to return, he would have to eat dog shit. I was not sure if this was some remnant of the witch fighting back in the deepest recesses of her mind, or if it was actually a part of the ritual. “If you do not eat dog feces the spell will not work,” she said in all seriousness. “This is not a normal Sanguinista resurrection since the blood was taken from a child. The soul of the resurrected can only smell the stench of dog feces and will follow the aroma back to this realm.” Edgington looked over at his Werewolf. “One-Ear, shift into a wolf and defecate on the ground, let’s get this over with.” “Uh,” One-Ear fidgeted on his feet. “I don’t have to shit, sir.” Edgington sped towards One-Ear and grabbed him by the throat. “You will shit on the ground, or I will reach up your ass and pull it out of your colon!” “Okay! Okay!” The Werewolf pleaded, clutching at the ancients hand around his throat. He undressed and shifted into a wolf. Squatting on the ground and whimpering a high-pitched dog whine, he began to shit. I started bellowing out in laughter. “What is so funny, Gaul!?” “I believe eating dog shit suits you, Edgington.” I laughed, hanging from the ceiling. “You reek of wet dog anyway.” “Yes, well, we will see who gets the last laugh once your sire is resurrected!” “I imagine I will be laughing and telling this tale for many centuries to come. The tale of the ancient, Russell Edgington, who ate dog shit in the bowels of his basement.” “Done, sir,” The nude Werewolf said after he shifted back into human form. “It’s all ready for you, sir. Right there on the floor.” He pointed at a steaming pile of shit and took a step back. Edgington’s lip curled up in disgust. “Hand it to me,” he ordered. “Sir?” “Pick it up, you idiot, and hand it to me!” “Oh, yes sir,” the Werewolf said, grimacing. One-Ear slowly walked up to the shit and scooped it up in his hand. He was holding his breath at the smell of his own shit. “Here ya go, sir,” he gagged, holding it out to the ancient vampire. Edgington frowned dramatically and held out his hand as the Werewolf smeared it on his palm. Lifting the pile to his mouth, he stuck his tongue out and licked. I snorted and laughed again as he tasted the shit. “How does the dog shit taste, Edgington? Is it to your liking?” “Fuck you, Godric!” He sneered. “Witch, I have ingested some of the shit. Now perform your spell.” “You must eat all the feces and lick the remaining that is smeared on the ground.” She said without flinching, her eyes glazed over from the glamour. “You can’t be fucking serious! That heap is the size of elephant droppings.” “You must also lick any remaining particles of feces from the anus of the dog,” she said. “All of the defecation must be ingested in order for the spell to work properly.” I leaned my head back and roared in the air. I continued to bellow out in laughter while Edgington proceeded to finish eating the shit in his hand. He then knelt on the ground on his hands and knees and began to lick up all the shit on the floor. He gagged and sputtered all the while, screaming profanities in multiple languages. “Mmmm, you look right at home, Edgington. Wallowing in shit,” I taunted, looking down at him as I dangled above. Finally, after he was finished with that, he ordered his Werewolf to bend over and licked his asshole clean. “There,” he screamed, his voice cracking like a teenage human going through puberty. “I have done as you asked, witch!” “Very well, you have eaten the shit,” she replied. I thought I saw a glimmer of amusement in her eyes. “Now, for extra measure you must have intercourse with a goat while singing ‘I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.’” “PEFORM THE FUCKING SPELL!” He screamed, foaming at the mouth. The foam was brown. “Maybe,” I said still laughing. “You should have your wolf shit again for safe measure.” Edgington sped towards me and wrapped his hand around my throat. “You, Gaul, will hold your tongue!” He hissed. “You have dog shit stuck in your teeth,” I said, still smiling. “Right there, between your right fang and front tooth. I believe it is a half digested shit-covered corn kernel.” Edgington growled. “We must make haste and perform the resurrection right away if the soul is to successfully enter the body of his sibling,” the witch said, staring at the unconscious form of Alan Nut who now laid on the ground. “The sibling has already ingested the blood of the soul’s child. Let us continue with the ritual.” “Proceed,” Edgington snapped, letting go of my throat and turning to the witch. “Very well,” she said. “Boogey Man, Boogey Man, come out and play. Come out now before the night turns to day.” “What the fuck?” Edgington screamed. “What are you doing you stupid witch?” “Do not interrupt the spell or we will have to start from the beginning, and you will have to eat the shit again.” Edgington stopped talking and took a step back. “Boogey man, Boogey man, come out and play. Come out now before the night turns to day. Your maker has eaten shit just for you, he even licked the dogs ass covered in doo-doo. He licked and savored it so sensual and slow. He loved it so much it even made his tiny penis grow.” The witch chanted the spell over and over and over. Finally, after about half an hour of chanting the spell Edgington got frustrated and interrupted. “It’s not fucking working,” He screamed. “Perhaps, if you would have had intercourse with the goat and sang the Barbie girl song as I suggested it would work.” Another half an hour later, after Edgington compromised with the witch that perhaps just him singing the song would work, the spell resumed. She had told him that he had to strip naked and dance around Alan Nut while singing the song called Barbie Girl. I had no idea what a Barbie was, but this should be interesting. “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world Life in plastic, it’s fantastic. You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is your creation.” Edgington sang in a high-pitched voice as he pranced around Alan Nut’s unconscious form. “Come on Barbie, Let’s go Party!” The Werewolf said in a deep voice. “It’s still not fucking working,” Edington yelled. “Perhaps,” the witch said. “I can just perform the other version of the spell that does not require any of this.” “What the hell are you talking about?” Edgington demanded. “Well,” the witch said. “I made all this up because I thought it would help the spell work better, and you said to be thorough.” “So you mean I didn’t have to eat dog shit, or strip naked, or sing that ridiculous song? You fucking made it up?” “Many times witches have to experiment with such rare spells. But I believe I now will be able to perform the ritual.” “Then fucking do it you stupid witch!” “Very well,” the witch said turning back to Alan Nut. “I summon you Angur.” “That’s it?” Russell screamed. “After all that, all you had to fucking say was ‘I summon you Angur?’” “Yes,” the witch replied. “You are lucky witch, that I need you!” Edgington spat. “Silence,” The witch said in dream state pointing at Alan Nut’s body. “The body stirs and you will scare away the soul with your moaning.” “I’m not…” “Shut your mouth,” the witch interrupted in a monotone voice, putting her hand in the air. “Your breath smells like dog shit and is very repulsive to the spirits.” The wind started blowing in the room and a cyclone formed, blowing papers and items to and fro. The atmosphere became frigid and the air was heavy. I knew then, that my long dead maker, Angur, was about to ascend from the dark pits of hell and return to this realm in the body of Alan Nut. My hopes that the resurrection would fail were in vain, for my maker would make his presence known any moment. Alan Nut’s unconscious form began to twitch on the ground. Angur was now fully in control of Nut’s body. He sat up with his eyes still closed. “What…” he said in a scratchy voice. “Is…” he continued. “That…” His voice became louder and more evil. “Smell?” A/N: A big thank you to Kelly and all the admins at The Writer’s Coffee Shop for honoring Tumbling Down the Rabbit Hole as the featured story of the week.