Ch 2: Screw You Nut-sucker

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Special Thanks to The Queen of Delicious who has spent countless long hours working on this story with me to perfect it for the readers. She not only beta reads, she walks through chapters with me like a professional editor, bounces ideas, listens to me bitch, and gives me encouragement and a kick in the ass when I need it.

Also thank you to others who were involved in the editing process of this story, pre-reading chapters before they were published, researching information, and general beta work. Suzimeinen, Navidasti, MistressJessica1028, Royal Ember, and Alycenwonder.

A shout out to those readers who take the time to leave a review. Your encouragement and enthusiasm is truly inspiring for a amateur like me.




GAH. Son of a… This must be a joke right? Am I being punk’d? There is no way I was just pushed by Alan Nut through a secret portal that was hidden behind a Stephen Moyer poster.

I landed on the hard ground with a painful thud that was sure to leave a huge purple bruise on my hip. I knew in that very instant this was no laughing matter.

My eyes widened like saucers, and I gasped as I got to my feet and looked around. “We aren’t in Kansas anymore Todo!” I couldn’t believe my eyes, it was Bon Temps!

I was in the famous graveyard by Sookie’s house. It must be the place everyone lands when they fall out of other worlds. It was where Sookie landed when she fell out of the fairy world. I had really been plunged in the True Blood world!



It was daylight, that was a good sign. I wouldn’t be eaten. Shivers ran through my body at the brutal reality that I faced. All the monsters I feared from child hood, well I was living among them now and that was a frightening prospect for any human from the real world. Real? What was real anyway?

I wondered just how far down this rabbit hole goes. Was there some sort of time limit? Would I be able to get home? Better yet, could I stay and live out my life? I had so many questions.

I started limping down a path that I hoped led to my house. My Gran’s house! HA! MY GRAN! This was freaking sweet.

I let out a sigh of relief as the house came into sight. It was tall and white, a bit run down, with a huge front porch. I slowly climbed the front steps and made my way inside. The first thing I noticed was that everything was so comfy and homey. The sunshine was shining in through the windows in thick, golden rays, and the entire place was just so surreal and dreamy. It had the southern charm that I remembered from the show, which I had never actually experienced in my real life before.



I saw Gran flitting around the kitchen. She was glorious! The perfect grandmother. I never had a Gran before.

“Hello dear,” she said, washing off some veggies as she turned to smile at me softly. The thought that she would die horribly made me angry. Maybe I could change things here. Maybe I could save her life.

‘They just don’t make em like they used to. Maybe I ought to start a garden this year.’ I heard her voice but her lips didn’t move. For GODrics sake! Do I have telepathy? This is too good to be true! This I did not expect.

The phone started ringing, and she picked up a towel to dry her hands before answering.

“Hel-lo,” she beamed into the phone. “One moment.”

She put the phone to her shoulder and looked at me. “Sookie dear, there’s a man on the phone for you named Alan.”

Grrr! What does that jackass want and how is he calling me from the other world? “Okay, Gran.” I giggled at calling her Gran. “I’ll just take it in my room.”

She handed me the phone, and I headed up the stairs. I got turned around upstairs and ended up walking through a closet door, but finally I found Sookie’s room. After shutting the door to make sure Gran couldn’t hear, I pressed the phone to my ear.

“Nut-sucker, what do you want?” I demanded.

After a brief hiss at my words, he began speaking. “I may have been a little hasty in my decision to toss you in there,” he growled into the phone. “Just don’t get any ideas about changing too much because you can die in that world. It’s way more dangerous than the one you came from.”

“Screw you! I’m going to change everything. Bill Compton and Rene will be dead by the end of the night.” Maybe I could use my fae powers and smite the shit out of them.

“WHAT! You… you little shit you can’t do that. That’s not how it’s supposed to go!” I heard him screaming in the background and then there was a loud crash on his end. When he came back to the phone he said, “You twerp! You will not kill off my favorite vampire.”

“Watch me chubs.” I was thoroughly annoyed that all he seemed to care about was the plot to a TV show when this was now my reality. I picked at my fingernails like I was bored. “Hey, it’s been nice talking to ya, but I got places to be, things to see, and people to do… if you catch my drift.”

I hung up the phone. In reality, I was scared out of my ever loving mind. I mean, how would you feel if this happened to you? I knew it was going to be dangerous, but I had a huge advantage. I knew what was going to happen before it happened. It was like, I not only had telepathy, but I could also see the future since I’ve seen all the episodes at least five times. I could prevent dangers and circumvent mistakes before they ever happened.

I needed to come up with a plan and fast. I knew Bill Compton needed to die, and I had no qualms about doing the deed. I was not going to get in a relationship with that turd, and I knew he was here to assess and possibly procure me for the Queen.

She wanted to know about my telepathy. I could lie to Bill about reading minds yes, but he would be able to smell me. He would be naturally attracted to me as most vampires seemed to be to fairies.

The only reason he didn’t deliver Sookie to Sophie-Anne in the show was because he got in Sookie’s pants. And I’m telling you right now, not a snow-balls chance in hell was that going to happen!

The man was going to have to die. I knew where he lived. I knew where his secret hidey-hole was. It would be so easy to stake him in his sleep during the day. But then the Queen would just send someone else, and I wouldn’t have the advantage anymore. I needed a better plan to get her off my back.

“Claudine!” I hollered, trying to get her attention. She was supposedly always looking after me. Now I know what you’re thinking—do not call the fairies. They are so annoying, and you are right.

They tried to kidnap Sookie and close off fairy world. But the only reason that even happened was because Compton entered fairy world and scared the bejesus out of the skittish little creatures. They hated vampires and were scared shitless that one had figured out how to get to their realm. That’s not going to happen this time around! Trust me, I have a plan.

“Claudine, I know you’re my fairy godmother. Please,” I called desperately. “I need to talk to you.”

I heard a pop behind me near the bed and nearly jumped out of my skin. I mean, I had been expecting it, but it’s just creepy when it actually happens.

“Sookie,” she said confused. “How do you know about your heredity?”

claudine 3

“Look, that doesn’t matter.” Okay, maybe I should have thought about exactly what I was going to say before I called her. “I need your help. Can we talk?” I motioned for her to sit on the bed.

“Of course.” She sat down staring at me expectantly. I took a deep breath. She was my only hope at this point. I didn’t want to ask the Viking for help when we had not even met each other yet. He would end up claiming me, and there was no way I was going to end up a virtual prisoner to him. I had to play my cards just right when it came to the mouth-watering, hunky Vampire. I turned my attention back to Claudine. She was quite beautiful.

“You know how I have telepathy?”

“Yes,” she nodded.

“Well, I can also see stuff before it happens,” I know, I know. I’m lying. But how would you react if someone told you that you were a character on a TV show and that you were living your life in a fictional world. You’d be calling the loony bin.

She gasped. “You are a seer too? Oh my, Sookie. That is an extraordinary gift indeed.”

“I don’t see everything, but sometimes I get a vision of a major event. It’s rare though.” I didn’t want her to think I could see everything, because as things start to change, that is if I was successful at altering the course of events, then eventually I would have no idea what would happen next.

“Sookie, have you seen something in the future? Something that has you worried?”

“Yes, there is a vampire in Bon Temps who has been sent by the Queen of Louisiana to find out if I’m telepathic. If he determines I am, he will procure me and deliver me to her as a slave.”

Her face became determined, and she put her hand on my shoulder. “We won’t let that happen. How can I help?”

“Well, I plan to kill him.” I grimaced a little, realizing how that sounded, but she didn’t seem phased at all about my proclamation to murder a vampire. “I know where he sleeps, but if I kill him the Queen will just send someone else to investigate. I need to somehow get him to make a phone call to her saying I’m not a telepath. Is there some possible way to glamour vampires?” I knew there was so much potential in the True Blood universe that the writers never touched on. Perhaps there were things that I didn’t know about. That’s why I called her.

“No, Sookie. Vampires cannot be glamoured or compelled to do anything against their will unless under the control of a very powerful witch, and you do not want to get involved with that sort.”

“I agree, but there has to be some other way to get the Queen off my back.”

She stared at the wall for a minute thinking. Her eyes widened with some sort of epiphany and she spoke. “I can do it.”

“You can glamour him?”

“No, but I can disguise my voice to sound like his. If it’s just a phone call perhaps it will work. But I will need some of his hair which I will brew in a tea mixed with some fairy dust and the juice of a deceit fruit. I will need a lot of his hair actually. I can get the deceit fruit from fairy land.”

“So you have to drink Bill Compton hair-tea?” Ew!

“Yes,” she said with a straight face and maybe a hint of excitement. Was she looking forward to drinking hair?

“Okay, you get everything you need, and I will get the hair. I’ll meet you back here tonight at 3:00 a.m. and we will make the hair-tea.”

She smiled awkwardly back at me. She seemed confused. I had a funny feeling that she was trying to figure out if she had told me everything about myself and just forgotten about the conversation. She was pretty old I assumed. Do fairies go senile as they age?

“And I’d like to talk to you more tonight about my powers if you don’t mind.”

“I’d love that, Sookie.”

I explained to her everything she needed to say tonight on the phone to the Queen, and we said our goodbyes. Phew! I haven’t been in this world for more than an hour, and I’m already exhausted and stressed out.

I walked over to the mirror in what was now my room and looked at myself. I had a weird look on my face at the thought of being rid of Bill Compton. I started laughing. Maybe I was beginning to crack. I looked like a deranged serial killer as I stared at myself wide-eyed, a slight twitch in my left cheekbone.

I’m not sure I’m handling myself well. You try being thrust from a boring, uneventful world to the True Blood universe. How am I going to handle myself when I meet Eric Northman? How am I going to save Godric? I sighed. Being rid of Bill Compton seemed like a cake walk compared to some of the challenges that awaited me.


A/N: Godic stares intensely at you. “You look so beautiful and charming when you review the writers.” His fangs snap out with a loud click.

back                                 nexthome

12 thoughts on “Ch 2: Screw You Nut-sucker

  1. Oh I like this she wants to change the plot by killing Bill right away and lying to QSA about her not being telepathic….
    Claudine and her Bill Compton hair tea…just gross!


  2. I’m giggling like a fangirl. Possibly choking on M&M’s too. This is so funny! I’ve had some pretty bad things to drink over the years, but Bill Compton Hair tea? Nope. I wouldn’t even shoot that. No. I’d just to have to magik another way… No way I’d ever get it past my lips… OMG. this is just too hilarious!


  3. I wanted to wait till chapter two before reviewing because I was so unsure of this story, I’ve never read anything like this. It’s not normally my cuppa but I can’t not read I need to know where you are going not to mention I’m all for a G/S/E combo. You’ve got some imagination girl!


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