Disclaimer: I own this story plot but I don’t own True Blood, SVM, or have anything to do with HBO nor do I actually hold any ill will to those involved in it’s creation. I’m just playing around with what other people have created. This story is completely fiction and the characters, fictional or real in name, are completely made up. This story is free to the public and I do not profit from it in any way.
Reader Warning: Please be aware that this story is E/S/G in nature and was intended so before chapter 1 was published with proper pairing warnings in place. If E/S/G is not your cup of tea then this story may not be for you. If you are not sure, give it a whirl and you may be surprised.
Genre: This story is intended from the beginning to be a roller-coaster ride of emotions and cannot be categorized as a certain type of story. It has suspense, angst, sexiness, happiness, comedy, goofiness, action, and adventure. Hopefully you will laugh, you will cry, and you will sit on the edge of your seat.
Special Thanks to The Queen of Delicious who has spent countless long hours working on this story with me to perfect it for the readers. She not only beta reads, she walks through chapters with me like a professional editor, bounces ideas, listens to me bitch, and gives me encouragement and a kick in the ass when I need it.
Also thank you to others who were involved in the editing process of this story, pre-reading chapters before they were published, researching information, and general beta work. Suzimeinen, Navidasti, MistressJessica1028, Royal Ember, and Alcywonder.
A shout out to those readers who take the time to leave a review. Your encouragement and enthusiasm is truly inspiring for a amateur like me.
Thank you to The Writers Coffee Shop for honoring this story as a featured story. Also thank you to Kelpie’s Korner for honoring it with a Story Spotlight.
My world had come to a stand still. My nerves were so rattled. I couldn’t stop pacing the floor in my living room. Time seemed frozen. I couldn’t believe it was finally happening. Finally! After how many years? After how many gut-wrenching and hair-splitting moments, after millions of tears shed in agony and torturous despair as I watched Bill Compton get the girl and be the proverbial hero! Finally! The series finale of True Blood, my favorite TV show, was about to air!
It was my one guilty pleasure, but I’m not ashamed to admit it, right here in this safe place, with just you and me. Because you know you are as guilty as I am. You have your sick fantasies too, don’t deny it.
That’s how this whole adventure started, with my sick fantasies, my guilty pleasures, my twisted dreams! The moment that series finale aired, that was the moment my life was turned upside down in a way that no one could ever imagine.
The simple life of a simple girl, I’m known as Sookie Strickland, and I’ve been accosted many times on the good streets of my city by fans who’ve mistaken me for the chalky-skinned, tooth-gaped actress that plays Sookie on True Blood. No, I don’t live in the sleepy, little town of Bon Temps, which actually doesn’t even exist, sort of, and I’m not a fairy, which doesn’t exist either, sort of. She is an impostor, an actress who plays the role of the real Sookie Stackhouse. Just stick around for this little tale and you will be shocked at everything I have to say, because nothing is as it seems. Everything is a shit storm of mystery, suspense, danger, and hidden secrets that would take more than one world by the balls.
At first, I thought it was just a coincidence, a simple random detail that the universe fucked up. My name is Sookie just like her. I look so similar to her, not exactly the same, but that was because I would find out later that she was just an actress, an actress who was cast very well because of her similar physical features.
I mean, it’s just a TV show right? And I’m just an obsessed fan. Right…
So that day, the day I watched the series finale, I had paced relentlessly in my living room waiting for the show to come on. I just knew that Eric and Sookie were finally going to hook up and everything in the universe would be as it should.
Eric and Sookie would fall madly, deeply in love, and everyone would live happily ever after, but not before a lot of wild, nasty occurred between the two.
I mean Bill Compton… really? The writers have fudged up so many times with that show. Let’s just name a few—killing Godric! Biggest crime in the seven seas! I’m not even going to start with Bill Compton. If they are going to make Sookie trip over herself for someone so blindly, couldn’t they have at least picked someone half way as good looking as Eric?
When I sat down and turned the TV on to watch the show, a blush rose to my cheeks. I mean, if my mom knew I was watching that twisted shit she would roll over in her grave and say I was going to straight to hell. I would probably reply as long as Eric Northman was there I might be okay with that, or Godric for that matter. Or um, both together. Don’t make that face! You know you want a piece of the Viking, and some of you want a piece of the Gaul too.
I sat through the entire show in a state of disillusion. Finally, when it was over, I turned off the TV and wordlessly stood to my feet.
“What the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!”
Really, that was the ending? My left eye started twitching, and I could feel the salt smeared in the proverbial wound. I couldn’t even think straight after seeing that train wreck. I was so freaking pissed. I mean, I had invested seven years of my time and life into watching that show.
Don’t get me wrong, the True Blood universe is so perfect and fantastical, but the events that took place were just totally fracked. Who the hell wrote that stuff?
I was so desperate, and let’s admit, a little insane. So I marched outside to my vehicle and hopped in with the intention of driving my ass right down to the True Blood studio and giving Alan Nut, the creator, a piece of my damn mind.
Fangirl gone bat-shit psycho or concerned citizen with a grass-roots petition? You be the judge.
When I pulled into the studio parking lot an hour after hoping in my car and driving like a bat out of hell, I sighed in relief. “Thank GODric!”
It looked like the offices at the studio were still open. There didn’t seem to be any security since the show hadn’t been shooting for awhile and the actors had all gone back to their respective lives. I was just going to barge my ass in there and start going off.
As I walked up to the building, I started getting a little nervous. What good was this going to do? I was just so sick of my favorite shows either being canceled or screwed up. Enough is enough.
“How may I help you?” A woman, a receptionist I’m assuming, asked me with not so much as a smile. I am sure she did this a hundred times over. The faces eventually must blend into one.
“Hi, my name is Sookie. I’m here to see Alan Nut.”
She gave me a look like I was out of my freaking mind. “Do you have an appointment?” She asked me, eyeing my outfit. I shook my head trying to hold in the rage. “I am sorry, but Mr. Nut doesn’t take walk-ins. I can give you an address to send your fan mail if you would prefer?”
“Fan mail?” I said outraged. I fished my license out of my purse and slammed it on the counter. “There,” I grumbled, pointing at the plastic card. “See my name really is Sookie.”
She took my I.D. suspiciously and scanned it with her eyes. Her face turned a shade of red as she handed it back. “I apologize. It’s just that we get a lot of obsessed fans in here and well…”
I strained to prevent my left eye from bulging out. No, I’m not an obsessed fan. Really, I’m not. I tried to keep my eyes from crossing and blowing raspberries out of my mouth at her. “Oh, I imagine you do. I can see how that might be a problem.”
“Okay, well the elevator is over there,” she motioned down a hallway. “His office is on the third floor. If you turn right when you get off the elevator it’s the fifth door down. I will let him know you’re here.”
“Thank you,” I replied and walked towards the elevator. Okay, that was way too easy. Do they not have security protocol?
When I rode up the elevator I couldn’t help but think to myself, I’m a complete idiot. Who in their right mind actually goes to bitch out the head honcho of a TV show because they didn’t like how it turned out? The guy is probably going to eat me alive and spit me out. I mean, look at the sick crap he came up with. The sick crap was pretty good I had to admit, in a morbid, shocking sort of way. I tried to push the image of a certain Viking (from season 3 episode 4 in his basement… naked… slamming into some fangbanger) out of my mind.
I found the plaque that read ‘Alan Nut-sucker’ on the wall, and I flung the door open and jumped in the room. Okay, obviously it didn’t say nut-sucker, but this was my rage time so you get my drift.
“Ah ha!” I stammered loudly.
He looked up casually from a stack of papers with a pencil in his hand, barely phased by my dramatic entrance. His mouth was closed shut and his eyes were calm but in a disgusted way that said he was looking at a crazy person.
“Are you okay?” He asked, putting his pencil down and leaning back in his huge, over-priced, leather chair, no expression on his face except maybe a hint of superiority.
My face turned about seven shades of red in embarrassment. What was wrong with me? I had totally lost my mind. “NO, I’m not okay!” I squealed, trying to gain back my nerve. “You fucked up True Blood!”
“I see,” he sighed, rolling his eyes. “Another fangirl come to whine about the Eric Northman character, or is it Godric this time?”
“Don’t talk to me like that you empty-headed, dumb-shit, fur-ball screwing, cluster-fuck! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries. I fart in your general direction!”
“Did you just imply I screw Werewolves?” He seemed to be getting really angry now. I guess he missed the rest of the insult.
“Um yeah?” Whatever pisses him off right? “Glad to hear you speak fangirl.”
He stood up so fast I barely saw it with my eyes, and his chair rolled quickly backwards out from under him and hit the wall. His head started shaking like he was having a minor seizure, and he pointed at me. “You shut up!”
Oh wow. The famous Alan Nut and all he could come up with was shut up? Seriously? I laughed at the absurdity of it all.
Next thing I knew, he was zooming and by zooming, I mean vamping across the room. He rushed straight to the office door and slammed it shut with a loud reverberating boom.
What. The. Hell. Alan Nut is a vampire? No, I really have gone insane.
I swear, I’m going to loose it if I see fangs slide out, I vaguely thought to myself… OH CRAP! And there they were, popping right out of his gums. Seeing vampire fangs on TV is all fine and dandy, maybe even a little sexy, but holy shit, seeing those dagger like teeth on a creature that was none to happy at me stirred some primal instinct long buried deep in my brain. The logical part of myself was saying it was a trick of the eyes, while the animal side was saying stake his ass or run like hell, but whatever you do decide quickly!
“You listen here you little twerp!” He said, leaning over me menacingly. “I’ve had it just about up to here with you little shits complaining about my show. It’s the best damn thing that’s ever happened on HBO!”
I let out a little noise similar to a squeaking mouse.
“In fact, if you think you can do a better job be my fucking guest.” He pulled a very large poster of Stephen Moyer off the wall. Figures right?
“This is a doorway to your precious True Blood universe.” He pointed a finger at the spot on the wall that was conveniently hidden by the poster only seconds ago.
My mouth started to open, but I think I was in shock, because I couldn’t manage to get any words out.
“And yes, before you ask, it’s real. How do you think I, who am obviously a vampire, came to be in the first place?” He grabbed me by the collar of the shirt and thrust me into the swirling blue vortex.
“FUCK YOU ALAN NUT-SUCKER!” I screamed as I tumbled down the proverbial rabbit hole.
A/N: Eric circles around you with his fangs out. “I always did like my humans to have opinions. Did you leave your author feedback?”
11 thoughts on “Ch 1: You Shut Up!”
This is going to be a laugh fest. I can’t wait.
I himmmmed and hawwwwed a lot about reading this and thought i would take the plunge –i’m glad I did –I think this is gonna be a hoot and a half!
Awesome!! I’m so glad you decided to plunge in! I have a ball writing it!
Oh god…Alan Ball a vampire!? Cool….
This is gonna be epic…
Oh, I am so gonna love this!
[…] Chapter 1 […]
Sniggers… Elderberries!!!!!!!!! Perfect for the nut sucker!
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Hilarious start! ‘Bout time I started this!
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Is Bill Nutsucker’s maker? That would explain the epic lameness of TB finale! Too much fun – can’t wait to see where this goes!
How did I miss this ???
Never too late to start reading a good story, I’m on board for the ride ….